submitted by Kgirl
I wish to preface this discussion by saying I love my husband. Deeply. I wouldn't trade him for another. He is truly my best friend and has stood by me always. The issue I want to discuss and the question I want answered is, what happened to the really romantic guy I married some twenty years ago? The guy is still here, but the romantic part of him left a long time ago.
When I ask him why he is no longer romantic, he seems clueless and lost as if I brought up a whole new concept. I remind him of the many wonderfully romantic things he once did and all the beautiful letters and notes he once wrote that I have carefully saved. I mean this man truly wrote some of the most beautiful things you could imagine.
I have read somewhere before that when a man is trying to win a woman's heart, he throws his whole heart into it until he conquers and wins that which he is seeking and fighting for. Then he marries her and he is victorious. He no longer has to pursue her. Oh, he might stay with it for a few years until the babies are born. Then he has to conquer the working world to provide for his bride and children. And after awhile, the cares of work, family, church and everyday life take it's toll on him. He settles into life as he now knows it, and takes for granted that his wife will know how he feels about her since he expressed his love for her in such grandiose fashion during their courtship and early marriage. Can anyone relate?
Meanwhile, his bride thrived and blossomed on the love he showered upon her in those early days. She felt truly cherished. Then, pregnancies, parenting, and everyday life began to take it's toll on her. She begins to notice that she is getting older and the cute shape she once had is getting a little lumpier and rounder and her face is starting to wrinkle ever so slightly. She tries to take care of herself so she looks as pretty as she once did, but age is a cruel enemy. She wonders if he even finds her attractive anymore. She hates how crabby she gets some days after dealing with the kids all day and she wonders if she is still a fun and interesting person. In fact, she wonders if her only worth is in the clothes she gets washed, the groceries she shops for, and the hot meal she puts on the table each night.
I know that love deepens through the years and matures and a couple won't always feel "giddy in love" 100% of the time like when love was new. I can account for that. I am realistic. I don't expect my husband to leave me love notes and flowers everyday. But, what I am saying is a woman never wants her man to stop pursuing her. Even though the wedding has taken place and many years have passed, she wants to know she is still a treasure worth having.
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I'm with you. The worst part is when I still try to do little things to make our relationship special . . .and get no response.
ReplyDeleteThat's what I get for watching fried green tomatoes and sympathizing with Kathy Bates' character. I've progressed to the point that I make requests for romanticism.
Three words of advice - DO SOMETHING NOW. Before either it's too late OR you have to go through immense heartache to find each other again. What you are asking is not too much but I bet, as a wife and a mother, you have gotten into the habit of putting yourself last. You need to find a way to tell him exactly how you feel NOW, even if that means suggesting counselling. Otherwise, the usual result is looking elsewhere for that love and attention ... and then it's a whole new, extremely messy and heartbreaking ballgame, whichever way it plays out. Trust me, I know. My husband and I are of the fortunate few who managed to rebuild their relationship but it came only after terrible times and permanent scars.
ReplyDeleteThe saddest thing is, I have his full attention now. We have a great relationship. We are so in love after almost 20 years of marriage. And I sometimes find myself thinking "Why did we have to go through all that crap to get here?" And the simple answer is because I didn't ask in a way he understood. Men are TERRIBLE at taking the hint. He thought our marriage was great. I bet yours does too. I was afraid to speak up (what if he rejected me? What if he was unhappy too? Would that be the end of us?)but oh boy, if I could go back 18 months, I would be yelling my lungs out and risk everything to avoid the pain that came from not doing it.
Yup! I am with you on this all. It is so easy to get lost in the marriage with work, parenting, work and more parenting. I so totally understand this one!
ReplyDeleteI could bare my soul on this one, too.
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